if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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