So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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