Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
