I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
