I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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