Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
