bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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