I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
