there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
