You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
