I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
