the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize