she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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