I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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