i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
