I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Michael Bay diarrhea
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
