She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
