You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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