Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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