8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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