Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
