Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
