My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
