Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
