the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize