And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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