I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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