I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Dick very happy bro
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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