My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
