Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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