is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
