She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
