god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Barsexuality is the new black.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
