you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Randomize
