are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
