Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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