You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
