i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize