if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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