Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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