I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
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