oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
