I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
