worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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