i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
