Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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