My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
