All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Boobs speak an international language.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize