So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
