Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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