Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Pooping to opera.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
