is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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