There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
