you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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