We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just googled if crying burns calories
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
