This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
