I looked at my own cervix.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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