just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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