Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize