I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Randomize
