I'm really into asian looking animals
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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