I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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